I want to begin this letter with a couple caviats.

First, I was in therapy for a period of time (while married, and after the divorce) - I also have a degree in therapy and was a therapist for a time as well.

Second, I am a full supporter of therapy and all the good it can do for a person on their healing journey. I believe that it is a great avenue to gain new tools and viewpoints and perspectives on your life and how you can grow, heal, etc.

Now, all that being said -
Therapy DIDN’T help me.

I know, I know. It might be a bit shocking. There are so many who are super fans of therapy and though it didn’t work for me, I am also one of those super fans.
If you find a good therapist that you vibe with and are open to whatever comes up for you in that room then by all means, GO babe GO!

So, why didn’t it help me?
Well there were a few reasons.

One, me and the therapist didn’t vibe. I was finishing up the same graduate program she had gone through and we had different opinions on professors and other things. She was also the therapist seeing my husband/ex-husband. So it wasn’t the right fit for me or conducive to me being open to the process.

Two, I was (and still am) more intellectual than emotional and therefore since I was in the process of learning how to be a therapist, I was very aware of all the “therapist tricks” that she was trying to use while talking with me. My mind would venture off into all the reasons for certain questions - basically treating it as an extra curricular experience and not a safe place to be present and process what was happening.

Three, I did my best with where I was to be a good client. Tried to share, listen, and process…and yet every time I left her room - I was fucking angry. Like fuming with frustrated tears, angry.

All that to say - that therapy experience didn’t work for me then. Didn’t help me in any way (except expressing anger) and so after almost a year of going to her, I stopped.

So, what now?
I had been going to therapy, while also finishing my graduate degree, while also going through the divorce process, and also learning how to be single again - a newly graduating adult - and figuring out how to get a job, be a therapist myself, and ultimately…

SURVIVE.

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I want to reiterate again that I am a full supporter of therapy and good therapists. There are so many good ones out there who have helped many people through their struggles.
So why talk about this?

Well, it’s because I learned that we are all unique human beings with unique experiences in this lifetime and all have different paths that will support that path, and some that might not.

So what do you do what traditional therapy isn’t that thing that helps you, whether for now or forever?

I found a few different avenues that helped me really begin to grow, heal, and even reflect on that therapist and how she was trying to help me.

First, Books. I was always a reader, so venturing into books to help me heal, personally grow, and learn was an easy step to take.
My top 3 books were: Think like a Monk by Jay Shetty (he also has an amazing podcast too called On Purpose) - The subtle art of not giving a F*ck by Mark Manson - A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (this one led to the next helpful category)

Second, Online Courses/Coaching. This was a whole new experience for me. One I found really amazing. It brought me to the space of many different teachers and deep, powerful lessons. Ones that opened my whole self in so many ways. Breaking down old patterns and seeing the bigger view of life and how to live it.
My top experiences included the MITT program and Awakener Coaching with Jen.

There are so many options out there right now to help guide you to toward healing and growth. To learning more about yourself and the world so that living your life is that much easier and understood.

So for whatever avenue you need to take, they are all open and helpful.
If it is therapy- Awesome girl! here’s a box of tissues.
If its a bunch of books - Fantastic!
Or podcasts, courses, coaching - Girl get it!
Even a rage room… - yes girl! Go break some shit!

Your path, is your path. Keep learning, growing, and living.

Always in Love,

Mystery in the Embers

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Many times in life we may find ourselves needing to step away from reality. Whether it’s stress, recovery, processing time, past, present, anxiety - we use many different avenues to escape.
To try to find a moment to shut off or rather distract our brains.
The main way that I escape is through reading.
Genres like fantasy, young adult, romance, and even dark romance (which will definitely be discussed in a later letter) are all ways I escape into another world. Where I can be another person or person(s) and go on crazy adventures or work through interesting relationship journeys.
So to take a moment to honor this escapism, please enjoy the below short story about meeting someone in a restaurant…

I decided to take myself out to dinner. It’s one I don’t make often enough. There is a certain mindset I need to be in to do it. Being able to go into a restaurant and sit by yourself, waiting to be served, it can be nerve racking to say the least.

The trick, other than a positive treat yourself mindset, is to be prepared.
My crossbody bag bounces on my hip as I approach the doors of the restaurant I’ve chosen. It’s big enough to hold my phone and travel notebook. That’s how I’ve come prepared.
Writing down my people watching observations, or whatever other inspiration comes to mind.

I chuckle to myself as I open the door, a bit nervous and enjoying that in just a moment, I’ll possibly be making someone feel awkward for giving one person a table. I mean, not many people go out to eat by themselves at an actual restuarant.

So I may also see pity in their eyes.
I hope to god it’s not pity. I really hate pity. It’s the one thing that could ruin the positive mindset I finally feel right now. And it’s been so long since I’ve been in a good mindset.

“table for one?” the hostess asks, breaking me out of my head. I look up to see her also looking around and behind me for another person to magically appear.

The restaurant is simple and elegant. Not a high class place where I would need a reservation, but also not the basic family style ones you see everywhere. It has a modern chic atmosphere with lower lighting, the tables are slate black with white accented chairs or booths. There is a bar to the far right, most likely stacked with everything you could ask for.

I definitely plan to order one.

I smile at the hostess, “yep, just…”

“table for two”

A deep voice says behind me. Right behind me. I freeze in place. The warmth of his body radiating across my back, paired with his deep voice, a shiver runs down my spine.

I shudder. What the actual fuck.

“Perfect” the hostess responds with a curious look at me and a smile, then leads the way to a booth situation on the left.
I follow her all the way to the booth before I slide into it and finally look at the rude intruder of my self-date dinner.

I stare. Frozen again.
Of all the fictional men I’ve pictured in my head while reading, I find this real male person to be better than them all.
I shake head after realizing I’m staring like a creep, but you know what, he is obviously a creep. I mean who intrudes on a persons dinner like that? The nerve of this very handsome man in front of me…

Also, now that I’m starting to come out of shock, what am I doing? I don’t know this guy…and I’m letting him join me, without any resistance. What is wrong with me?! There has to be something wrong with me. Maybe I am reading too many dark romance novels.
Note to self, read more non-romance novels.

Clearing my throat, I summon the courage to be blunt,

“You didn’t need to intrude on my dinner” I say to this man who is casually staring at me from the other side of the booth. I mean seriously, could he look more devilishly handsome?

He lifts an eyebrow and cocks a small grin, “intrude?”

“yes…” I hesitate for a moment, “intrude. Here I am taking myself to dinner, and very happy to do so, by the way.” I add that last comment for extra snark. I’m not sure where this sass is coming from but, oh well. Might as well roll with it to see what the deal is with this guy.

“I see.” He says calmly.

I just stare at him. There has to be a better response coming than, ‘I see’. I mean really.

He smiles, chuckling to himself, “I’m Jay”

“and…?” I gesture a hand to add dramatics and he smiles bigger.

“I was at the bar and noticed you come in. I find you rather attractive so I allowed impulse to pull me to you once I heard the hostess say you were here alone.”

“I see…” I muse back at him and try to hide my blush. I haven’t been on a date in years. Nor have I had any experiences with males other than casual co-worker talk at work. But what am I even doing entertaining this guy? I must really feel desperate for attention or something. I can’t believe I haven’t asked him to leave…why haven’t I asked that?

I take a deep breath and allow my thoughts to go in a different direction.
Yes, he may have intruded, but perhaps this is the universe giving my an opportunity to interact on a date like situation. I mean, it’s not like it’s an actual date and after eating we will part ways.
Then again, if this goes well, maybe it could grow to be something else?

A little risk to maybe gain some reward.

“Helen” I say softly.

“Its nice to meet you, Helen”

Well, shit, I’m in trouble.
The way he just said my name. MY NAME! I have to shift slightly in my seat to try and distract myself from the heat that just spiked through my body.

“So, Jay,” I continue as casual as possible, “Tell me a bit about yourself”

“As long as you do the same.” He winks at me.

I nod. Not knowing how my voice will sound at this moment. I’m seriously in trouble if he keeps flirting like that.
I really need to lay off the romance novels.

“Okay then.” He nods matter of factly.

With that, we begin talking. From family, past to present, to passions and goals, interests and favorite hobbies. I even end up pulling out my travel notebook to show him a couple of the short story ideas I’ve written about. We talk through the waitress coming with drinks, then our food, and then another round of drinks.

By the time I finally look at my phone for the time, I realize I should head home. I did not expect to be out this late, though…it was kinda worth it.
“I have a bit of a drive back, I should be heading out.”

He responds by handing me his phone and then gesturing I give him mine. I do, and we exchange phone numbers.
“Until we meet again” we return our phones and I start to slide out of the booth.

He follows my lead and we walk out of the restaurant together, and then all the way to my car.
“Well, what a gentleman” I say with a bit of sass, secretly loving that he made sure I got to my car. It’s old school but still appreciated.

“Always” he says and holds his hand out.

I shiver at that word and place my hand in his. He gives my knuckles a light kiss.
I blush again, something I’ve been doing many times throughout dinner together. He smiles at me, then steps back so I can get into my car.

“Goodnight Jay, and thank you for deciding to join me.”

“You’re welcome Helen,” he pauses for a moment, “Text me when you get home?”

I laugh. “uh huh, the “gentleman’ emerges again”

I hope you enjoyed a little escape my friend. Now go out there and do what you need to do!

Always in Love,

Mystery in the Embers

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I’ve recently been reflecting a lot on one of the first lessons I experienced during graduate school.
Imagine this…
You walk into the classroom for the first day of a new class. The rectangle tables are set up in a box, allowing us to all look at each other and the teacher. Bringing a feeling of community to the room and equal conversation to each lesson.
You find your seat, set out your notebook and pen, and settle in.

The door opens and the professor comes in with a coffee cup, a notebook, and a folder - papers sticking out of it in a messy kinda way. He sits down, placing the coffee cup in the middle of the table in front of him.

He quietly takes in the room, taking a look around at all of us.
Then he asks, “What is this cup connected to?”

Now, like the rest of my class, I bet your first thought was “it’s connected to the table?”, right?

Well, yes…and…
because this is where things get bigger than you think.
See the cup is indeed connected to the table, but it’s connected to much more than just that table.

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That cup is connected to where it was made, the factory, the machinery. It’s connected to the coffee inside, which is also connected to where it was grown and processed and packaged before being shipped and sold in a store- then bought and brewed. It’s connected to the table it sits on, which is connected to the manufacturer and retailer, each piece of the table is connected to where it was manufactured. The screws from one place, the metal legs from another. The wood connected all the way back to the tree it came from.

The table is connected to the floor, the carpet and where it came from, the flooring underneath, all the way to the construction of the building. Each piece of building construction that was put into place and the connection of those pieces to where they came from and beyond.

You see, that one cup of coffee sitting on a table in a graduate school classroom, is connected to places and things all over the world.

So, what does this mean? For you? For me? I mean, why am I thinking about this lesson all these years later? Why now?

I think it’s a reflection on systemic connections. The journey of healing is a journey around a spiral. Our life path isn’t straight, and instead it twists around and around, leading us back to situations and experiences related to the past so we can continue to learn. The more you go around the spiral, the deeper you go into healing and growing, the more you will gain new perspective and deeper understanding.

It’s all connected. The reason the event happened, the lessons learned when you were 5, the things you like and don’t like, all of it. Life and your experience this time around is all connected to each other.

For me, in this moment of reflection, this also brought to light the people who had been in my life. Friends, Family, Romantic Partners, and who I was during all of those relationships - because every one was part of the puzzle that led me to the man I decided to marry. The man who, two short years later, decided on divorce being the answer to our lack of a marriage.

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What were all these pieces?
Well, let’s get into it - first, let’s bring in the me piece. Because life happens for us and not to us. My part was just as important as their part. Relationships are a two way street and truly grow with both parties putting in the effort, love, and care.
At this point in my 20s, finishing up graduate school, in the beginnings of a marriage, moving into a house, adopting a puppy…things were going in the expected direction, but I wasn’t truly growing as a person. I was just living day by day in a mostly dissociated state. I was trying to please people, be the person that everyone needed, and fix everyone’s problems in order to gain even a little attention and love from…well, anyone who would give it - even if it wasn’t the best kind of attention. I would try too hard, be too quiet, and be whatever I needed to be to keep the peace.

Now, their part - this was in a way similar in that they filled the subconscious needs that they were looking for in others as well as I was. They were also in their 20s, struggling with family issues, looking for validation, love, connection, and more. They learned to use manipulation to get what they want, to take advantage of others, even gaslighting - no matter if they realized it or not. It may be an ingrained habit they may or may not be aware of.

You see, each of us have a full past of experience, perspectives, habits learned, lessons gained, ingrained “truths”, and subconscious protocols that shape our connections and interactions with everyone we come into contact with. Each of those connections have connections to people, places, experiences, and more.

So, my friend, as you continue down your own path, interact with more people and places, remember this - there is always more to the story. Widen your vision, see the bigger picture of your life and the lives of those you meet along the way.

Always in Love,

Mystery in the Embers

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My Dear friend,

Life. It doesn’t always go as planned.

I know, a cliche statement to begin this letter with, but it’s a truth that we don’t really think about until we are feeling all the feelings. When our path ends up not being what we planned.

A path less traveled.

This was especially true for me at 24.
Picture this, it was three days before my graduation for my masters degree. I had my cap and gown, cute outfit on, spending the afternoon taking some fun graduation pictures with my classmates…and…finding out that I had officially become a divorcee.

I mean, talk about life not going to plan.

Now, there I was, trying to celebrate one of the biggest days of my life, while also grieving one of the worst days.

What do I do? How do I move forward?
What other questions do I need to ask myself because honestly I dont even know what to do for the next five minutes…

So, while trying to figure out my own healing, I discovered there is a sect of people who don’t get the books and blogs. Divorcees in their 20s.

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Now, there are plenty of people who have written about their healing after a divorce experience. Sharing what they learned and advice for those going through it as well.
Unfortunately, most of those self-help books or articles are by older women who may or may not have children (young or older). They’ve been married multiple years and seem to thrive a couple years later. They have more life experience and are later on in their life.

They didn’t seem to have the experience of being at a pivotal point in life events and age, to really relate to what I was going through.

But I wanted that relatable person to help me understand what to do, or where to go next, or just to help me feel like it was all going to be okay.
I searched and searched for anyone who had experienced something remotely similar to me and found all of one article on Pinterest.

ONE Article. Just ONE. I was shocked. Disappointed. Lost in my thoughts about what to do? How do I heal? What do my future relationships look like? Will I be single forever?

Now, to be fully transparent. The other sources by the older women were helpful, with some general tips and ideas on next steps and healing - but to have something written specifically for your age and time of life, closer to the experience you went through, felt even better.

It helped me feel less alone.
(like I hope these Letters help you feel less alone)

And since I could only find that one article, I felt a little less alone… and at the same time more alone.

So I focused on action steps.
Some that I learned from my education in psychology and therapy, some I learned from the one blog post, and some learned from the other avenues of divorce literature.

I’m sure most of your thoughts went to therapy…and you would be correct. However, that story will happen in another letter. It was helpful…until it became not so helpful.

The first thing that truly helped me start to rise from the ashes of my current reality was Yoga.

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Yoga in general is an amazing way to breathe back into your body. To spend a moment grounded and centered, feeling within yourself and releasing the emotions that the body may be keeping stored there.
The specific class that helped me the most in emotional release was literally called, The Class.
I would go to a new yoga studio where I lived and embrace the solitude of that hour for myself and my physical/emotional wellbeing.
“The Class was a blend of breathless yoga, vinyasa and yin yoga, breath, music, and storytelling designed to help people turn inward while moving their bodies. Rather than focusing only on poses, the practice invited students to listen to their breath, notice what was happening inside, and allow movement to become a way of processing life.

Each class moved like a story, beginning with grounding, building into strength and energy, and closing with reflection and stillness.

Movement was simply the doorway. The real practice was about learning to listen to yourself.” (Quote from the instructor who also has become a dear friend of mine)

Did I end up on my mat, sobbing my heart out in childs pose…yes.
Every. Fucking. Week.

Every week I would walk into that class knowing that I would gain an amazing emotional release on top of the physical exercise. It was as inspirational as it was heart wrenching.

And that’s where it began. My path less traveled became a journey of rising from the ashes of what I thought my life would be and into one of…well, a lot more than I ever expected.

For what the flames of life may destroy, your inner embers can reignite even brighter.

Always in Love,

Mystery in the Embers

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Hello my Dear Friend,

Welcome to the Ember Letters.

Come on in, find a comfortable place to sit, with coffee or tea, and join me on a journey through the flames - on a path less traveled.

Many times in my life the poem by Robert Frost has come to my mind. One of my favorites to read and contemplate…

”Two roads diverge in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both, and be one traveler…”

I’m sure you know the rest. In the end the road taken is the one less traveled.

“And that has made all the difference”

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So what is it about the road less traveled?

Why does it seem to make all the difference?

I believe that just like a fire that has died, where only the embers remain - so to the path less traveled begs the question, the What if?

It’s a moment of stillness and wonder. Of contemplation and dreaming.

Of reflection.

Of possibility.

My hope is that by truly sharing all the experience, hurt, growth, heartache, healing, and how particular events shaped who I am - the imparting wisdom learned will help you begin or continue your own healing journey.

To talk about what others maybe won’t talk about.

In detail. Without filters. Without shame.

To know that we aren’t alone.

To understand that even from the embers, the phoenix rises - even from the path less traveled, a difference is made.

My friend, we are going to fuck. shit. up.

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Each letter will detail a lesson, event, or moment and how it shaped my specific path forward. Some might have poetry, song lyrics, or fictional stories - there to add that extra spice of emotion and context.

Now, you might be wondering, who is she to talk about these things? Does she have any qualifications?

Other than the life experience of healing after a divorce in my 20s, I also have a Bachelors in Psychology, a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, I am a certified Awakener Coach, and have eight years of personal growth/development training.

Everything that I learned through formal education or life experience is something that shaped every twist and turn, every obstacle. Now, I pass these lessons on to you.

Thank you, my friend, for joining this journey with me.

Always in Love,

Mystery in the Embers